The first year of my mindfulness teacher training was looking inward. I spent a year being focussed on how I was feeling in the present moment and learning how my thoughts, emotions & physical sensation’s interlinked.
It was hard. It was so incredibly intense at points that I wobbled and wondered how on earth I would carry on. I discovered how I am a master at distracting myself when uncomfortable emotions arise. Look at my phone, read a book, study a course. The first weekend of hours & hours a day of sitting in meditation nearly broke me. I’ve never had emotional discomfort manifest as physical pain like that and my neck and shoulders seized up. My eyes became so sore and strained I could hardly see and I had a headache for days.
But as the year progressed, I felt a slow and initially subtle but then substantial shift. I became kinder to myself (and others) when my brain was judgemental and the inner knot in my belly I noticed almost for the first time by it’s absence.
As we entered the second year of the course, the module was titled “The Courage to Teach”. I told my supervisor I was in a period of mourning. We were now learning how to teach mindfulness. How to guide meditations, lead group sharing and inquiry and I was resistant. “I’ve loved looking inward so much” I said. “I don’t want to learn to teach this. I’m not ready & I’m not sure I even want to teach. I did this course for myself.”
And then I noticed that my course learnings that I was sharing with the ladies I treat, was helping them. I stopped trying to “fix” what ladies were telling me, & instead suggested they allow themselves to feel what was there.
By the end of last year I started to feel a flutter of excitement at the thought of leading my first group of ladies through a 6 week mindfulness course.
We are currently half way through the course, & it’s been wonderful. We have our silent retreat day next Saturday and I said to Pete this morning, “I am SO excited for next weekend!”
What a privilege and a joy to introduce 11 ladies to this practice that has bought me so much comfort & dare I say it “inner peace”.
Thank you for trusting me & sharing your vulnerability’s so courageously .
This reflection was written on the 11th of February and shared on Instagram