I first published the original version of this post as an email newsletter in 2023. Since then, I have found this concept so valuable that I have returned to it over and over again. I frequently share it with my patients and my 9 year old daughter asked me last week “Mum are you still feeling like you are getting enough play?”.
It was while planning a retreat in the bush for Physios, that I discovered this idea of The Exhaustion Funnel.
The Psychologist who is my supervisor in my work as a mindfulness teaching asked why I wanted to host a retreat for Physios. “They are tired.” I replied.
I had come precariously close to an all fall down burn out earlier that year and the perspective I gained from that time and with the changes I have made since then has been fascinating.
It was while preparing for teaching the retreat, and creating a session on Nourishing versus Depleting activities in a day, I came across the work of Dr Marie Asberg, a Professor at the Karolinksa institute in Stockholm who specialises in burn out. I wish I had seen this image years ago.
When our lives are well balanced, we are in the top rung of the funnel, and our days comprise of work, chores, rest and play.
If we become more overwhelmed with work, the first area to drop off is play, followed by rest and then chores.
Once our days are primarily dedicated to work, we very quickly tend towards exhaustion and burn out.
As you spiral down, you give up the things that you enjoy, but, in your mind, seem “optional.” You stop doing activities that nourish you, leaving time only for work or other stressors that drain you…
Earlier that year I had found myself back to back with client after client, studying for my post graduate course in the evenings and teaching Physio and mindfulness courses on the weekends. I was training for a half marathon on top of my usual gym and yoga classes and although I have lots of help at home with housekeeping and school lifts, chores were beginning to fall by the way side as I scrambled to even keep up with replying to emails and whatsapps. I couldn’t bring myself to listen to voice notes and didn’t answer or return phone calls for months.
I began to forget things that aren’t life threatening, but are important to me. Like a friend’s Birthday’s, or checking in with how a new job or family member’s cancer treatments were going. As I gave all my care and patience to the ladies in my treatment room, my family got the left over distracted, exhausted and grumpy remnants of me.
I have been surprised to learn that I am not alone in dropping these balls when overwhelmed. Getting into bed at night and readying myself to reply to the 48 unread whatsapps that awaited me from the day; would make me want to cry. So I ignored them.
In amongst this all; my arm got sore, hence the compression sleeve that I’m wearing in this picture. I became terrified that the return of the oedema that plagued me after my last melanoma cancer indicated I had more cancer. My headaches and neck tension increased and my thyroid began to play up. I became so depleted and overwhelmed by mid year of 2023 that I very nearly closed my practice altogether.
It was while on a 6 day silent retreat at the end of my mindfulness teacher training course, that I slowed down enough to realise how unsustainable my days were. It revealed it to me how the love for the work I do is also my problem. I realised that as I was battling with boundaries around my hours and working from home, I was always just ‘squeezing in one more lady’.
In the endless hours of silence, I had somewhat of an epiphany. I recognised that my work has the ability to both nourish and deplete me.
I need to do this work to be the happiest and best version of myself. But the line between being nourished versus depleted is a very small one. Sometimes only an hour a week extra of client facing time can tip me over the edge.
I’ve had to negotiate with the voice in my head telling me to be grateful to have a waiting list and to just push through and see more people when other practices and businesses’ are quiet in these difficult times.
I’ve struggled with accepting that while other Physios can see 8 -12 clients a day, I simply can not. I just don’t have the energetic capacity to do so. A bitter pill to swallow for a constant striver like myself.
I’ve also had to be firm with my decision to reduce my hours in my office every day (which has not always been well received by others).
If we think of our inner well being as a bank account, we simply can not always be drawing out of it, we need to make regular deposits into it to. These deposits are those of rest and play and self care.
We top up our bank accounts with the non urgent, creative, soul filling activities in our lives.
If this is resonating with you, you could try the following exercise in reflecting on what NOURISHES versus DEPLETES you in a day.
Write down a list of everything you do in a typical day, from when you wake up until when you go to bed. Now reflect on your list and place an ‘N’ next to what nourishes you, lifts your mood and energises you and a ‘D’ for what depletes you, pulls you down and drains your energy. If it both nourishes and depletes you, place an N/D or D/N.
How is your list looking? Where are you in the image of the exhaustion funnel? (Remembering that work isn’t only what you receive money for, it’s anything you feel you have to do in a day).
The balance of N’s versus D’s doesn’t need to be perfectly equal, as one nourishing activity may be more helpful than 5 depleting ones, but this exercise can help to highlight if you are very out of balance.
The reasons we find for avoiding altering the balance between nourishing and depleting activities are usually very solid-sounding and altruistic.
• Where do I find the time for myself when I’m balancing being a mum, career woman, a wife and homemaker?
• Not now, not yet, maybe someday – when this project/term/year is finished
• There are just things in life I don’t have a choice over, like going to work.
• If I don’t keep up right now, I will fall behind and it will be worse next week/month
• It’s embarrassing to show weakness or vulnerability at work or to my family
• I’m only allowed to do something that I enjoy once all my obligations to others, or to my work, have been completed
• It would be wrong to put myself first when I have so many caring responsibilities
On the surface, these approaches seem reasonable, essential even. But in time, if you don’t rebalance your life, you will become less effective at everything you do.
We only have this one body to live in, and chronic stress and exhaustion can inflame us and weaken our physical health and well being.
If you are sliding down the exhaustion funnel and feeling overwhelmed, try and start with small baby steps to nourish yourself. Please see a therapist or a Doctor if you are worried about your mood.
Do something that is fun and playful on your own or with a friend. Spend some time in nature. REST. Lie on your bed and stare out the window or listen to a meditation or some music. Do a small task that will make you feel like you have achieved something like tidying a drawer. Ask for help from those around you.
See if you can be kind to yourself as you reflect on your list. There is no one on this earth more deserving of self compassion, than YOU.
As I sit here typing this post on my Wednesday admin/create day, I am reminded of how just far I have managed to come in the past two years. I answered my 9 year old’s question to me last week with “yes, I am getting enough play. Are you?”
Which is a conversation for another day altogether and something I try to be cognisant of.
Is there enough space for my children in their weekly schedules to have enough time to PLAY?
With love,
Lulu x